tough time

Assalamualaikum...

lama tak update blog... draft dh byk yg tersimpan ja dlm kotak draft tu... mybe takkan publish smpai bila2 la kot... nk menulis ni kalo pause sana sini, jwb nya hye2 bye2 la... huhhhhh! unless something really big is happening, my fingers won't able to work so well in writing something for my dearie mearie bloggie... that is life i guess... bila diri dah terdesak utk mengeluarkan sesuatu, masa tu la kita perlukan substrate utk memuntahkan segala-galanya... n for me, my writing is always one of my way out from the exhausted situation that i always had to deal with... ya Rabbi... Kau saja yg Maha Mengetahui..!

one of my junior once said that we won't never be able menjalankan syariat secara bersendirian... it seems very true in my eyes now... dunia skrg mmg dh terbalik... org yg nk mendirikan agama plk jadi jakun sedangkan yg sepatutnya ashame with themselves are those who did something against Islam law... serius aku rasa makin lelah dgn keadaan skrg... tend to be confused so easily... i dont know where are all my strength before... i'm still standing firm with the Islamic principle as best as i can... but i dont know for how long i'll be able to move on like this....

aku tak tahu mana hilang ketenangan yg ada pada aku selama ni... i believe in something that is called aura... terasa mcm aura -ve penuh di sekeliling... nothing seems to be right... selalunya kalo mcm ni, aku akn g somewhere utk tenangkan diri - alone of course... but here, it's difficult to have that chance... i could't be alone neither expressing my true feeling... akibatnya, i got moody all the time... hard to control my anger... i'd rather wear my earphone n pretend not hearing anything eventhough sometimes i realize that somebody was talking to me... aku malas nk layan apa yg org tnya, apa yg org ckp... suddenly terasa mcm diri kejam... padahal it's not really a big thing for them... just that is not me... i'm no longer a good listener... whenever somebody talk to me, aku just acuh tak acuh... not because i want to... but they make me  to become so... i tried to listen for them... but they never tried to listen to me... n i'm the type whom always give back people what they give me... it's not grudge... just i think that if they can treat people in such a way, means they wont mind if people also treat them the same way they did...

i dont like myself now... i miss my old self... always calm n cool no matter what's happening.. not someone yg baran, mudah naik angin, doesnt care bout others... i miss to wear the way i used to wear before... my baju kurung n tudung bulat... i left tudung bulat to dh hmpir 5 bln... why does it need to be so tough like this..? especially when i'm not an expressive type of person... when i'm not happy with something, i'd just stay silent without a single word... who on earth could really understand me..? only HIM i guess... but i always betrayed HIM by doing things that I shudnt really do... it makes my condition even worse than ever... i lost my confident suddenly... what on earth is happening to me by now..???? ^.^